It is nearly November in the U.S. but in the Bake Off world it apparently is eternally chilly April as the bakers are still wearing jackets, albeit lighter.
The calendar is going to be important this week, and likely next, my friends. Because in non-Bake Off world, it is midterm election season. Which demands my attention like a family of 204 children - roughly the number of races we are watching at PBS NewsHour. (If you think the Bake Off spreadsheet is something, you should see my midterm spreadsheet.) This is all to say, this week I'm giving myself 15 minutes to write a decent episode summary. It may be a bit like haiku. Here goes. CUSTARD WEEK I'll just say it like this: Custard. /kes-sterd/ n.: a cooked mixture made of eggs and milk or cream and usually having a thick, creamy consistency Bake. /bayk/ v.: : to cook by dry heat especially in an oven Other initial thoughts: at least Janusz cannot use his drip frosting technique with custard. Let's race through what happened. Signature Illes Flottanes or floating islands. Meringue on a pond of custard. Several bakers understandably describe it as some form of gross - including baby food. Or on the positive end, nothing. Syabira is creating a new movement, to counter current political problems, which will be a nation founded on Mojito. And I think we should join. Janusz has had too much coffee which I think will be an issue for two days here. EVERY baker gets laugh points in the signature. It may be chilly, but they are jolly! The most important takeaway of the episode: Janusz and Sandro. Could they be more wonderful in their baking bro friendship. In the signature, Sandro looks over at Janusz' incredible floating vanilla latte meringue on top of coffee custard and rightly says, with loving disgust, "look at that magic over there". The two hiss at each other in playful hate. I find myself imagining congressional candidates competing in this way and it makes me happy. Judging: Wow. Nearly every baker gets flavor points! Except not Kevin or Sandro, though judges' liked his floating foam, it was too alcoholic. He just wants this SO MUCH. Technical Ice cream? Made from Custard, ok. Huh. Clearly they have run out of fancy, fascinating baking ideas because Mary Berry's cookbook is apparently not accessible. But I love a staggered start and here we are. For those wondering, you need 3 hours to make ice cream and a waffle cone. (Waffle cone press needed.) TONS of LAUGH points this segment. Syabira and Janusz both made one massive mistake that meant a melted mess! They end up in last and second to last. Haha to Dan in our league who has them both (and is crushing everyone). Could one of them be out? Sandro wins the technical and he smiles, trying not to lick his lips at the certainty that star baker will be his! Showstopper Custard gateau/cake/pastry Blog writing time is down to minutes here. I feel like Matt just SHOUTED "Lisa, you have 5 minutes! 5 minutes to finish writing!" The allegro is playing and I'm up for the challenge. Syabira is doing pina coloda again, Abdul is using Paul's pastry recipe (and smartly makes sure he knows), Sandro is using the microwave (and suddenly Paul is ok with it - I'm mad on Nancy's behalf from Season 5, though I get that custard is different than bread), Janusz practiced in high heels (and maybe should have done the bake in them b/c it does not work out w/out them), Abdul gets a rare and impressive +2 for successful do over points, Maxy's burner doesn't work and Paul deserves help point for setting her straight (I think) and Matt actually frosts Sandro's cake. Wow. AND WHAT. For real, Janusz IS using drip frosting again??? The judges remark on this gratuitous, unnecessary display as if maybe they like it?? This is now an 8 point symbolic deduction for Janusz. SMH. Phew. 1 minute left. I felt sure Sandro would be star baker. After all Syabira - despite her amazing shostopper - was LAST in the technical. I think Janusz is in trouble b/c he was second-to-last in the technical and his custard was beyond terrible "wallpaper paste!!". And YET, the two biases in this show slam down like a mallet crushing almonds. The showstopper bias appears and yet another star bakership eludes Sandro. Syabira wins again! She is a delight and Sandro claps, though inside he may have been crying. And going home is NOT Janusz - because of the golden boy/girl bias. It's Kevin. To me, clearly he edged out Janusz this episode BUT I agree that Janusz has routinely crushed it. So that's it. Scores are up and I will put in a summary box here later tonight. TIME'S UP. KEYBOARD DOWN.
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It is Halloween Week. Immediately, I don’t hear Matt and Noel’s opening bit (though I wonder, "did Noel get a haircut?"). I’m too busy with two other mental priorities: 1. Being a normal human who is excited for Halloween Week (a big holiday in our house) AND 2. Being a skeptical journalist in an election season. I arrogantly ask myself, “is this actually ‘American Week'?" I know Halloween predates America by 1800 years, but clearly we took that sapling and made it into a mighty oak of sugar sales. I also wonder, “is this just a hollow holiday-ratings grab?” As my baking show devil and angel wrestle, I make a Moscow mule and settle in, happily. Opening Important Face-Off reminder: Maxy and Janusz are dominating the fantasy league currently with 43 and 36 points respectively. BUT. Sandro and Syabira are not out of reach, with 24 points each. This sparks an idea, which I will return to at the end of this recap. We begin and the bakers are in homemade costumes with radically different degrees of effort and clarity. Abdul is an astronaut and Syabira is a pirate lady, we’ll say. But Maxy seems to be a sort of ghost bride, possibly? Or just a regular ghost? Janusz, dressed as Noel, and Sandro, as a dark angel, both should consider dark eye makeup every episode. Signature. Our first challenge is apple cake. We have a lot of apples in America, my Bake Off devil whispers. Syabira is making an apple cake based on asam boi, a malaysian plum and chili dessert. LAUGH points, b/c Syabira crushes this category. Same for Maxy +1, right away. Not so, Dawn. She’s not a laugh person. BUT she gets Paul HOVER points for Paul coming up to scare Matt during her segment. +2 Dawn! I see how that could be appealed, but I am giving Dawn those points. More LAUGH points - for Kevin in the judge chat. Sandro isn’t laughing yet but he has snuck in a $6 bottle of Fireball (devil on front) and I think it is a great idea. Kevin gets Paul HOVER points too. Wow the hover drought is so over. Someone who should lose points is Janusz. Doing a drip frosting AGAIN. How. I am tempted to add a “drip frosting repeat: -2” category. Judging Sandro gets LAUGH points as Prue drinks the Fireball whisky - I KNEW that would pay off. Abdul did great and this is my opportunity to say how terribly underrated I think he is - on the show and in the league. Janusz overspiced his apple cake. But he takes it like a champ, with LAUGH pts. Paul and Prue love some apple cake. (Prue declared Kate’s season 8 apple cake the best cake she’s ever tasted.) And what do you know, Maxy gets a HANDSHAKE!!! That is gold in our league where my friend Alexis is trying to catch up with her husband Dan, who has Syabira and Janusz. But, wait. Syabira’s apple cake has a pumpkin face my first grade son would have been embarrassed by, but the taste is amazing, says Paul. Just when I think an “it’s a shame” is coming, WHOA, HANDSHAKE. Ecstatic for her, but miffed b/c now Dan is back up in our league. Technical What will it be? Probably something British like pumpkin-flavored digestive biscuits? Or some antiquated King George III Halloween game pie? Look at that! It is S’mores. Which, we all know, is more American than Apple Pie. (According to the Smithsonian.) Albeit fancyS BRITISH S’mores LAUGH pts this segment are plenty: Syabira (she is so good), Abdul The gelatin producer gets another moment to shine as Matt warns, again, about how risky it can be. The main problem with gelatin today seems to be *remembering* to use it in the S’mores at all. I am getting hungry watching these fluffy creations turn golden brown. Judging There are surprisingly few comments about the S’mores that garner points. They all seem more or less fine. Just the “it’s a shame” Abdul received. That’s -3, but I will keep cheering for him. Syabira takes first place! She is revenged for the lemon meringue technical last week! Showstopper It’s another baking gymnastics showstopper. Bakers have two hours to make a lantern with an array of treats inside. In other words, it's a cookie challenge, or possibly a chocolate challenge. Janusz is going edgy, including crickets in his lantern dessert, saying it is like eating bacon. (I can back that up. To a point.) LAUGH pts for Janusz. LAUGH pts in this section also go to: Kevin, Dawn, Sandro. Syabira, Janusz, Maxy Dawn, the last remaining baker for anyone in our house, has a lot riding on her lantern. She gets it, saying “I need to make it neat”. Whilst clearly making a messy cookie dome. I look at my husband. “Baby,” I say. He just looks at me and shakes his head. Oh! Hey! HOVER points from Prue for Dawn. That is fantastic. Our family will take them! God bless Syabira for trying more unusual flavor combinations but even I am worried about white truffle in her dessert. Sadly, Dawn’s cookie globe looks like a poorly-made, hollowed-out cannon ball from the dark ages. But we still love her. Syabira and Sandro are rolling though and Sandra executes a panic-free save of his globe as it cracks. (“Panicking is for losers!", as Rebs told us. She, however, probably could have used more panic.) Janusz has again pulled off a gorgeous creation and YET AGAIN he has a drip frosting effect. C’MON. In an utterly unnecessary way. He gets a mental -4 in my own mind. I have decided to escalate that imaginary deduction each time it happens. Judging The main takeaway from this portion is Prue loves to bash open baked goods. And we should all try it. As for the bakers, Sandro’s disco skull ball is amazing but he has made caramel cement blocks and used A LOT of spice. Janusz let down the judges because: not enough crickets and his flavors were off. He gets a specific reference -2 “IT’S A PITY” from Paul. Abdul gets FLAVOR points, breaking a drought for this episode, with his matcha witch fingers. He. is. underrated! (Though he makes the classic overuse-of-rose- water mistake. Seriously, don’t these folks watch the show?) Kevin gets FLAVOR points for one treat. But Paul admonishes him about another treat, his nuts, in a way that gets the entire tent laughing. Dawn was not a total disaster but it seems sure, “she’s out”, as my husband Jason tells me. “It’s just been embarrassing,” he adds, as though he is talking about Tony Romo in the playoffs. “I’m glad it will be over.” He really cares about this show. (Important to mention here that I am not a Cowboys fan.) Syabira meanwhile crushed it - and even her seemingly terrible orange and truffle biscuits bring love and laughs. Final judging For the first time I can remember in Bake Off history, the judges openly admit there is no competition for star baker. Everyone is delighted when Syabira is announced as the winner. Who is going home? Paul mentions Kevin as near the bottom but we know that it will be Dawn. And it is. She takes it like the delightful champ she is. A few tears and a great smile. Finally, a good laugh! “Game over!” she says in the required humble and grateful goodbye video. As the group gathers, I notice Abdul has big lipstick kiss marks on his forehead? But back to Dawn. She's not a hugger, but the episode ends in perhaps the single greatest group hug ever on the show. Which is saying quite a lot. I call Jason - who left the room so as not to witness Dawn’s demise - back to see it. “This show,” he says, little lump in the throat. important scoring update!Let's say your particular baker is doing well but not in first. What if they win the whole thing? It is the time of the season to talk about FINAL WINNER scoring. As one who likes a competitive final finish, I like to give an overabundance of points to the final winner of the GBBO. The idea is that this be enough for another baker to get into first place by winning the entire competition. How many points will this be? Still unclear. I'm toying with 20 points. But open to input. (Overhead voice: the judge makes all final decisions.) this week's scoresAbdul -1 (Does NOT reflect his skill, I think.) Carole OUT Dawn 5 (An impressive parting performance, actually) James OUT Janusz 1 Kevin 3 Maisam OUT Maxy 7 Rebs OUT Sandro 0 Syabira 15 (!) Will OUT SEE LINK FOR OVERALL SCORES BELOW: The season race for best baker (in our league) is dramatic! Syabira has just overtaken Janusz and is in second, behind double-star-baker-and-hand-shaker Maxy. Janusz is in third. It's a good race, folks. DESSERT WEEK My fingers are on the keyboard, starting to type, “Is 'dessert week', essentially 'sugar' week?", when Matt throws me off course by speaking gibberish. “My favorite dessert is ‘Syllabub’," he says. I look to closed captioning for help and find none. But the Internet tells me, as some of you may already know, that syllabub is a British dessert that predates our country. Of course it is. Purely goofy and somewhat awkward Bake-Off vibes are back, baby!! Especially after the past two weeks, I love it. SIGNATURE BAKE Steamed puddings Paul and Prue explain steamed pudding and they have a clear purpose: to make sure we know steamed pudding is super British. Oh, we know. We traded steamed pudding for freedom in the Treaty of Paris. And this episode reinforces that decision. Back in this century, Paul, 56, tells Dawn, 60, she reminds him of his mum. To which Dawn immediately and correctly responds, “I’m not that much older than you”. LAUGH and CRED points for Dawn. We are five episodes in and Sandro apparently has been reading this blog and knows that we've been waiting for his moment. He is so thirsty to be star baker and get a handshake that he is making an extra boozy steamed pudding. LAUGH points here with Matt. In my house we just want Carole to survive. She manages LAUGH points at least. But has to DO OVER her burnt plum for her steamed pudding. Kevin meanwhile is making clootie dumpling steamed pudding, which I believe was the name of a frat house band at William & Mary when I was there. Syabira, again, is pushing the boundaries of British taste simply by being creative, with watermelon steamed pudding. Oh no. Watermelon extract?? Syabira. NEVER USE FRUIT EXTRACT. Or at least don’t let Paul know ahead of time. Carole is having problems. My son Max and I briefly make eye contact about our last remaining baker. Janusz is up next. It is so hard to dislike this brightly-spirited guy. But it is so easy dislike the way he has collected so many more points than my players. This part of me suspects he 1. researched Paul’s favorite drink (“on every continent”, Paul mentions, again stressing that he is a world traveler). 2. He took a lot of notes from Crystelle’s hit in dessert week last year. I think we can all agree on love of Crystelle. Maxy gets LAUGH points as her usual sweet self. Carole tackles stress by laughing like a horse with Matt, but as I only give one laugh point per segment, she doesn’t add to her stash. The drama is building, or trying to build, as PAUL WATCHES (points), oh Lord, the puddings totally collapse for Carole. I’m already marking in the -2 for a FAILED DO OVER. My six-year-old teammate and son, Max, stares straight ahead and says, quietly, “we’re going to lose this week”. Judging Syabira’s watermelon steamed pudding indeed had too much extract. But was amazing otherwise. Maxy’s was perfect, of course. Janusz’ tasted like suntan lotion, which was a concept that needed to be explained to Prue. (LAUGH points.) Kevin got FLAVOR points somehow from that stodgy mess. (But he did!) Carole’s tastes fantastic but even so, was a baking failure. Sandro’s steamed pudding is “glitzy looking”, says Paul. His golden-boy brand is really getting through! However his goal is still out of reach: No handshake. TECHNICAL CHALLENGE Lemon Meringue Pie Prue tells us the challenge this week is her “favorite pud”. When it is revealed to be lemon meringue pie, I yet again question my understanding of “pudding”. Apparently, it just means “dessert”. Which means "something with sugar”. British readers, please assist. My confusion evaporates as I delight in the five-word method instructions. “Bake a lemon meringue pie.” An explosion of LAUGH PTS ensues! Sandro, Janusz, Syabira, Dawn. Most folks seem to know how to do this, except Syabira who says she’s never had lemon meringue pie. She wins my loyalty (even though she is on my friend Dan’s team) for the 100th time by joking with Matt that maybe she’ll just make a “sweet corn pie”. (See last week.) Turns out though, the simple instructions are opening up everyone to a spectrum of problems. Carole and Syabira are worried about soggy bottoms. Dawn has made roughly a tablespoon of filling even though she makes lemon meringue pie every week (!). And Abdul’s handling led to a crack in his lemon meringue pie crust. But there is some sunshine. More LAUGH points for Maxy. Noel and Matt are juggling and I utterly over-read things but I'm convinced Matt is genuinely enjoying hosting during a time in his life that otherwise may not be entirely happy. We are in the final minute! *Fast dramatic music* It’s a whirl with Syabira cranking the oven up to the “melt glass” setting to try finish her pie on time. Maxy gets HELP POINTS for holding Janusz’ lemon meringue pie plate as he takes out his pie. (That Janusz - so careful and good.) (Damn him.) And Dawn looks just devastated. Judging It is a mix of excellence and failure. First the problems. UNDERDONE/SOGGY BOTTOM POINTS (-2) for Sandro and Carole (gahhhhh). Sadly, Syabira is -3 for having some RAW dough. Abdul gets a -1 for Prue’s “IT’S A PITY” regarding the crack. (It’s not the full -3 b/c it’s a comment about one small portion of the lemon meringue pie.) Janusz gets +2 BAKE POINTS when Prue says “that crust looks properly baked”. And Maxy goes pie-for-pie with Janusz and also gets +2 BAKE POINTS. Abdul is in the running when Janusz edges him out for +3 as the TECHNICAL WINNER. In the outdoor locker-room chat , Syabira makes a notable comment. Her lesson from this? “Even if you don’t like it, eat all of the British classic desserts”. That sentence could spark a semester-long class in food and/or power structures, easily, and a really great bar debate in establishments across the world. SIGNATURE BAKE The signature sounds like it could get messy: mousse dessert (with a) surprise. Bakers have a broad baking canvas - the judges simply want a mousse dessert with a surprise in it. And also the “surprise” must be in the middle, Paul tells the camera. Oh and Prue adds it must be in every slice. Now Paul is adding that this is really a gelatin challenges as well. (The show producers LOVE gelatin challenges.) Carole gets LAUGH points right off the bat. And next, here we are, Matt voices over the expected “too little gelatin and it will be too watery… too much gelatin and it will be a DISASTER". More LAUGH PTS for Syabira (“Bee Positive” cake) and Kevin (gingerbread = dead body). Dawn cracks a joke about her “lemon redemption jelly” but doesn’t laugh. She’s focused and wounded from the technical. But no laugh, no points. Sandro is making a panna cotta planet. Some piece of me thinks of this as a bit over the top and then I realize his mousse dessert method could be used to make a panna cotta Death Star. (That’s no moon.) So I watch closely and with respect. Prue gives Sandro a karmic assist by saying she does not have a huge amount of confidence in his plan. In response, Sandro LAUGHS for +1. Carole is struggling AGAIN. I’m just glad Max has gone to bed. Oh Dawn. Her flowers for her mousse dessert look like blobs. And he toadstools' prospects seem grim. But Maxy is crushing what might otherwise be its own technical challenge - a swiss roll sun. Just LOOK at that Catherine Wheel! Kevin gets +1 HELP point for saying “yes” when Syabira asks to borrow his scissors. And Carole gets +2 HELP points for giving Kevin fondant advice. Which means perhaps she'll end up at 0 for the episode, one can hope. We come to the end of the segment and Janusz tells Sandro, “you’ve outdone yourself”. Has he? Judging ` Most folks seem to have done well. When I see Abdul’s I’m hopeful he could be star baker but then, sadly, it seems he fell into the gelatin trap. His curd is like a rubber ball. He gets “IT’S A SHAME” -2. As a side note, a gelatin trap would be the kind of trap I would choose, should I have to choose a trap in which to fall. It is a swing and a miss for those, like my friend Chris, who have Abdul on their team. Maxy’s is wonderful, with incredible mousses. Syabira’s flavors didn’t come through this time. But Sandro’s did - he gets FLAVOR points and I wonder … could it be? Could THIS be his time to finally get star baker? Carole and Dawn are clearly the ones in trouble here. (Though Dawn gets LAUGH points.) Janusz gets high praise for his cake, and indeed the baking and making look fantastic. But how is it that NONE of the judges is commenting on the fact that he is using the same drip-technique again and again. See photos. It is a Paul Hollywood tradition to push back at bakers for repeating the same approach. (Or is that Project Runway?) At least someone should point this out. I’m concerned he is yet again going to drip-frosting his way to star baker when … SANDRO for the win!! It’s clearly a “let’s give it to someone else for a change” nod, but I don’t care and neither does Sandro. Do we now have an earnest race for Bake Off champion? Does Prue's lipstick match her glasses? Who is out? No shock. It is Carole. Max and I will miss her. And our remote chance of placing on the fantasy leader board. Scores This WeekHere are the scores this week: Abdul -3 Carole 0 Dawn 4 James 0 Janusz 9 Kevin 3 Maisam OUT Maxy 9 Rebs OUT Sandro 8 Syabira -1 Will OUT Ok. So. Matt and Noel are in ponchos and sombreros. Standing on a perfectly mowed British estate, they are trying to thread a comic needle, joking about how you can’t make Mexican jokes and then making one (“Juan”). After last week’s pizza debacle, I’m bracing myself. And correctly so. We are faced with what will turn turn out to be one of the most controversial episodes in Bake Off history, at least judging by the resulting headlines and stories. It is Mexican Week. Signature bake: pan dulce The bakers have 2.5 hours to make the popular Mexican sweet buns which come in a few forms, including the “concha” or a shell-shape with a craquelin top. So far so good on the theme! Very few bakers are familiar with Mexican cooking. Only Syabira, who, by the way, again and again proves she is a baller. Her corn-on-the-cob pan dulce looks fantastic. She leads off what will be a waterfall of LAUGH points: James (JUST got his in before the editor ended the clip), Abdul for politely laughing at a Noel joke, Rebs, Maxy, Dawn, Carole (who laughs at her own mispronunciation of “pan dulce”). But the bakers all have one unifying problem: proving time. And I have a question: Why not give the bakers more time? Would an hour more kill the production schedule? (Though given the photography needs of each item before judging, maybe.) The pan dulce recipes I see ask for two-three hours proving time alone. These bakers have basically that for the whole bake. At least the flavors sound lovely. Sandro has a salted caramel cappuccino pan dulce bomb. Carole breaks out the mortar and pestle, impressively, for an anise and orange pan dulce. Rebs and Abdul are back in the tent, looking healthy and ready to go. Abdul is bringing delight and a happy outlook. Rebs, in character, is bringing deep worry for anyone who has her on their team. She has a minute-by-minute plan but she is behind and believes Paul is going to tell us her pan dulce are overdone. I’m going to tell her that’s -2 point if so. Judging It is a bakedemic of underproving. Four bakers get called out specifically - Sandro, Rebs, Carole, Kevin. Janusz is told he needed more time. (And his buns were dry and not great on flavor.) Um, yes. They need more time! There are some good FLAVOR points though - for Sandro, Carole (yes!), Syabira, Maxy and Kevin. Dawn gets -2 for OVERBAKED but is rewarded with compliments for her chili and chocolate mix. (Though no “flavor” points, sadly.) And Rebs again pulls off a miracle and hers are NOT said to be overbaked. She is happy and I, not for the first time, wonder how I can get my eyebrows to look as on-point as hers. Technical: Tacos We wade deeper into the controversial portions of this episode. As soon as Noel and Matt announced the challenge, I wrote in my live notes, “I’m so scared”. My first thought, “tacos?” Was there not another Mexican dish possible? Perhaps one that could have deepened general knowledge of Mexican cooking and baking? I love tacos of course. But the technical challenge in German week was not pretzels. Instead, bakers made Prinzregententorte, a layer cake with devilishly thin layers. (Itally week was pizza, however.) At the tea table, Paul insists, “it has to be tacos!” I shake my head. I am sorting out whether to be outraged or to look at this as the bake-off doing a silly belly flop of ignorance. In bake-off’s favor: we Americans do have the indisputable advantage of living much closer to Mexico than does Paul. And in a country with far more people of Mexican descent. (Somehow, out of 67 million people in the U.K.’s 2011 census found just a few thousand were born in Mexico.) But erasing my sympathy, I found this —> “Paul Eats Mexico”, a three-part show Paul recorded this year. (!) And. The summary includes this line, “Mexico is one of the most visited countries on earth, but what is less well known is the fact that it is also one the greatest gastronomic destinations on the planet." First, it is actually well known that Mexico has incredible cuisine. (Am I wrong here? Feel free to comment.) But moreover, how do Paul and his team raise themselves as illuminators of Mexican food - a role that has its own potential problems - and then make the technical challenge basic steak tacos????? Deep sigh. I feel a little gross about it all. But back to the bake. Er, I mean cook. I notice something in the “and-they’re-off!” shot. As most of the bakers pull their towels off their ingredients, one baker somehow has already started the mixer and has corn meal spinning. It’s Sandro, absurdly fast out of the gate. Maybe THIS is your week? There is a lot happening. Confusion about pico de gallo. And the idea that tomatoes can be deseeded. Dawn is flinging things into the bowl with gay abandon. And Janusz has a genetic trait which makes coriander taste like soap. LAUGH points: Maxy, Rebs (though it’s b/c she can’t get her burner on. Oh Rebs.), Syabira, Carole. Judging: Sandro’s tacos look overcooked, but they are not, so he doesn’t lose points. Dawn’s has problems but FLAVOR is not one of them and she gets a point. Janusz’ are “almost underdone”. Man, is that a point deduction? I decide not because of “almost”. Abdul’s tacos however are OVERDONE! -2. This feels unfair to the second-to-last-place player in our league, my friend Chris. But I apply truth in scoring to all. I’m shaking my head quite vigorously as Rebs and Carole take the last place spots. Maxy takes the win and the 3 points! She is really strong. I take a deep breath and hope the showstopper is better on every level. I give it a sarcastic mental guess based on the show so far: it will be tres leches cakes. Showstopper And it is the Tres Leches Cake. Which, I admit, fits the category and theme. And is very interesting. (But just to point out - there are many other Mexican desserts.) LAUGH points in here: Sandro, Syabira, Kevin, Carole, Rebs is making a tiramisu Tres Leches Cake that seems to stretch the concept past its breaking point. Oh! And she has to start over on her caramel. This, as Matt in voice over, openly notes she’s had a string of “poor performances”. OUCH. Though, accurate. Building a chocolate pyramid Tres Leches Cake, we find Kevin. He says it is Aztec. Paul, fresh from his show in Mexico, culture name-drops and checks if it’s Mayan or Aztec? We are unconvinced that he knows himself. Maybe. I’m starting to worry that GBBO has jumped the shark, when we see Syabira is struggling. She’s trying not to get emotional about her Tres Leches Cake and Abdul comforts her so perfectly that I feel it is indeed my show again. Sandro lets Noel finish his decorating, Janusz holds his breath as he pipes. Maxy’s Tres Leches Cake looks amazing. Things are back on a normal track! Wait. What is that mustache doing on your Tres Leches Cake Sandro? I can’t find a way around the truth that this must be some horrible tie-in with the Mexican theme. Sandro. Honestly. Terrible ( among other words). Judging Judging starts with something I love: Prue bluntly disagreeing with Paul. She likes Syabira’s sweet corn Tres Leches Cake, and so do I. FLAVOR points go to James and Kevin but oh, so sad. Kevin also gets -2 for Prue saying “it’s a pity” he didn’t nail his Tres Leches Cake. (I’d give -3 if she’d said “shame”.) More Prue leaning in! She declares Carole has a “well-made cake”, after Paul criticizes it. (Well-made does not equal well-baked. Much as I need them, no points for Carole.) Rebs’ cake seems to be borderline inedible on multiple levels. My brain had already prepared itself for her to get -2 for a failed do-over. But Maxy nabs FLAVOR points. Of course she does. She is calmly, sweetly crushing this. The best moment of the show comes as Dawn nervously awaits feedback on her Tres Leches Cake. “That’s heaven,” says Prue. Paul has his “that’s ridiculous/do you get a handshake” smile on. No handshake (handshake inflation is a real conversation Paul may have seen). But Dawn is ecstatic and I’m tearing up for her. The show is winning me back. As the judges meet to determine our bakers’ fates, Carole gives herself 7:1 chances and I realize I would LOVE to go to a racetrack with this woman. I am briefly comforted by they fact that they only send home one baker an episode when I remember: THIS TIME IT WILL BE TWO. My nation-state of bakers - Carole and Rebs - is on the verge of total collapse. Results Maxy is star baker! And well deserved. Runners up are Sandro, Dawn and … Janusz? It’s the classic showstopper bias. Janusz had a solid showstopper, helped by using a drip to make the cake look polished. BUT he was actually pretty bad in the first two challenges. Yet there he is as a runner-up! Who is going home? It’s James and Rebs. Poor Rebs is gutted, so sad. But James laughs nicely at losing. And at last this difficult episode is over. scores
Some Britons have a favorite American accent. A preferred tea. Or a favorite way to cook beans. Noel and Matt? Favorite comedy bits. Namely, inanimate objects with faces and voices. And thus, a loaf of bread named “Roger Crust”, tells us it is bread week. We begin Carole has her lucky pants on! Fantastic, because she needs to move past the subpar point totals we’ve seen. There is bad luck, however, for two other bakers and a few teams (including ours - gah). Abdul and Rebs are both out sick! This is a first. Quite irregular. “No one’s going home,” Jason matter-of-fact says, next to me. What we are all thinking. Rebs, meanwhile, responded to what the English were thinking. She took to social media to say she did not pull a sick day and bread week would have been her strongest week! We are heartbroken for her. And also for our chances of taking down Dan and Alexis, the players dominating our league right now. To the competition! Signature challenge. A rare emotion. I and my entire league are struggling this week with an unusual emotion: outrage. The signature challenge was a bit more cooking than baking but the idea was great! Pizza. YET. Somehow, that sublime masterpiece – sauce, cheese and a crust which connects humankind to both the discovery of fire and the age of enlightenment – eluded our British bakers. And, worse, the judges were borderline blasphemous. Have they ever had good Pizza? Seems not. Sure, Paul may have been grumpy. Bakers began by kneading bread in a manner that is not his. And James used 14% spelt flour to give his dough a nutty flavor. I wonder - did James try 15% and 13%? (LAUGH points for James in here.) Our nervousness begins on closed captioning where we learn that Kevin has said he is making a vaguely Christmas “figgy Pizza”. Worse, Dawn is using an entire can of Dinty Moore on her Pizza. There is an anatomy joke in here but Syabira smiles, doesn’t laugh. Sandro gets LAUGH points and I have big expectations for him today. Carole’s Pizza(?) seems to be made entirely out of cheese. Ah. She’s making Pancetta Tartiflette. Essentially, a French casserole. There is a crust … ish… but this does not look like Pizza, nez pas? Dawn remembers the cheese (!) in the nick of time and Jason and I share a knowing look that our bakers are both already in trouble. James’ nutty dough looks like something that could hurt you. What. is. Happening. They have Pizza in the UK, right? Actually. Do they? Janusz is making a full English Pizza and I am hopeful that at least that will be recognizable as Pizza. Also it may put the judges in a digestive coma and better mood. LAUGH points for Carole, Dawn and Janusz. Judging. We see the Pizzas. There is a universe in which a parallel Lisa writes an essay on the mistreatment of Pizza we witnessed in this episode. In which I speak to the beauty of food, its role in culture, especially at times of testing. Where I raise the global history of Pizza, the flavors of Italy, NYC, Chicago, Connecticut, Phoenix and Portland and, almost certainly, quote Shakespeare (“thou art damned like an ill-roasted egg, all on one side” works). But in this world, I am also mindful of the stories on redistricting and Afghan women which I am devoted to and need my time. And outrage seems contrary to why we love Pizza. (And this show.) I will put on my big girl apron and just say a few things briefly, all of which are from our league text threads. Jansuz lost two points for his OVERBAKED crust, though all of us agree it was the only properly baked crust in the bunch. As Jason said to the TV, “that’s how you want good Pizza. Well done.” We are Pepe’s people. The judges seem to think that a Pizza is supposed to be a perfect circle, not understanding that it shaped by fire. But the most profound disappointment comes when they charge that Maxy’s thick rubbery-looking crust (sorry Maxy, we are fans otherwise) is somehow “American” pizza. I’m having flashbacks to Paul's willful misunderstanding of American pies from years past and visions of what my feisty Grandmother Flanagan would say, then I get myself back on track. Sandro gets FLAVOR points. Syabira gets DO-OVER success points, which pains me b/c she is on Dan's team. And Dan is still so far ahead in our league. Technical It’s time for the technical. I shake off the assault on Pizza. And I accept that Rebs would have - but won’t - win this challenge. It’s Pain aux raisin. Prue correctly questions whether this pastry is bread. Paul calls it “enriched dough”. Prue is silent. We begin. In the bake, lots of LAUGH points: Syabira about her boyfriend, Sandro about his guns. Dawn raises the “Boy George” musical, Taboo and has no memory that Matt starred in it. She says “cringe” out loud. But we are cheering b/c we have our first AWKWARD point of the season! Good job Dawn. (No we don't care if this was staged.) The baking generally looks good, though Carole has packed her pain aux raisin on the tray like commuters on the Tokyo subway. It is a whirl of baking and Janusz and Sandro end with a cool elbow hit. Lots of points in judging! Kevin, Dawn, Syabira, Sandro, Maxy and James for FLAVOR. Carole, sigh, “UNDERBAKED” -2 . Don’t wear those pants again, please. Winner? It’s Janusz! I see all chances of anyone overcoming Dan in our league slipping away but find hope that anything can happen in the showstopper. Showstopper Bakers must make a smörgåstårta, which is a giant mushy Swedish sandwich in the shape of a cake. I’m intrigued but others were disgusted. We are SURE Swedish Maxy will crush the smörgåstårta and earn star baker. She brings in a LAUGH point out of the gate, as does Carole. Though her dough that is so dry, Paul actually tells her. Dawn has ancient wheat in her smörgåstårta dough and again my throat is psychosomatically in pain. LAUGH points for Janusz Sandro, Kevin, James. Syabira says “Woo! Woo!” for the heat in hers, but doesn’t laugh, thank goodness for me. Sandro’s smörgåstårta, has three tiers and he says it’s designed for a particular need. I think it is designed for him to be star baker, finally. Because as Maxy makes a classic smörgåstårta, Prue jinxes her by saying she’s had a “good week so far”. Minutes later, Maxy forgets to preheat her oven. Kevin can bake, but cannot cook and is using his wife’s favorite fish pie recipe. I wonder how many fish pie recipes she has and we are in the “go-time” music that has my Max running back and forth between chairs with excitement. Quite a few messes, James uses “hoover” as a verb and time is up. Judging! Janusz’ fish-and-chips smörgåstårta has Prue eating her words about it being a disgusting idea. Carole somehow got it together. The bread is too dry, but it’s not terrible! Hurrah! James’ pandas may be the only distinct item I remember long-term from this challenge - they are perfect and adorable. FLAVOR points to James, Kevin, Syabira. Even so, I’m not sure I will ever try a fish and beet cake. Kevin’s is OVERBAKED. -2. Dawn’s is too thick and Paul rattles off the Greek flavors she forgot to include. “She’s out”, Jason says, hoping for a reverse jinx. The judges say this was one of the most difficult showstoppers to judge, and just as I think that means Sandro will get his due, star baker goes to Janusz. Darn it. I mean, congratulations Team Dan. As we brace for Dawn or Carole to go home, we learn NO ONE is getting cut. Jason called it. We end in the most epic and delightful group hug ever. I forgive all pizza transgressions and I’m going to make a sandwich. scores this week
It is episode two and already the Bake-Off is reaching into its Bag of Cute, opening with a bit that ends on (what looked to be) a white Norwich terrier. It’s adorable week! Slash cookie/biscuit week. The bakers walk in the sunshine to the tent and immediately we notice some good things: it is clearly warmer and James is wearing a backwards baseball hat. We are grateful because now it will be easier to distinguish between the two bearded guys from Scotland. First, it’s the SIGNATURE CHALLENGE. Down to business. Bakers have two hours to make 18 macarons that don’t look like a macaron, and yet do. Carole’s will look like hamburgers and she laughs that she and her family eat the real things with a “proper drop” of cider. FIRST POINTS, for laughter. That’s my woman! It is going to be a good episode for Team Carole. And, it turns out, for most every team. The laugh points spring up as if in a proving drawer.
This group is very creative, though I’ve lost count of the salted caramel references. And this group has heart. Carole and Janusz get HELP POINTS for helping Rebs (and she needs it) even as they still have their own finishing touches to do. So many ups and downs in judging. Janusz got FLAVOR AND LAUGH POINTS but LOST THREE because Paul said “it’s a shame” about his macarons being too dry. FLAVOR points to James of the backwards hat. And Dawn! Her strawberry-packed yo-yo macarons look incredible. Prue gives her a FLAVOR POINT. But, Paul, gave her the first HANDSHAKE of the season! Pro-tip: Dawn didn't measure that strawberry powder! She just knew to put in A LOT. She’s on my husband’s team and there are multiple “wow”s from our couch. It’s Rebs turn and I’m nervous. She gets FLAVOR points but Paul stresses the macarons are a mess. They are. How to score this? I’m giving here 1 POINT for a semi-successful DO OVER. No question, she was right to start over. And look at this! A very rare second HANDSHAKE! Paul and Prue loved those daisy macarons by Maxy. Like Dawn, she is in disbelief and beaming! FIVE POINTS to both of them. The Technical Immediately we have a U.S. connection, with a Wayne Rooney joke. (The former soccer star is now a D.C.-area resident.) The task: Garibaldi biscuits. Aka squashed fly biscuits. Aka flatter fig newtons. More LAUGH points: Kevin (finally on the board!), Maxy, Janusz, Carole. But Rebs, I’m watching and that is TOO MUCH fruit. For all of the seeming confusion, these elevated newtons all look good coming out of the oven. Syabira makes the most beautiful chocolate feather, though sadly, it is not the "feathering" instructed and she is like an unappreciated prophet in this tent. Lots more points in judging:
I’m dialing in the scoring a bit when all of a sudden - and I can’t believe it - Rebs WINS the technical and a BAKE point. (?!) Six-year-old Max and I do a high-five so hard we both have hands that sting. Showstopper It is the make-cookie-art challenge and this time the art is a mask! Dawn is determined and attempts a steampunk/baroque mask. LAUGH points for Syabira, Janusz, Maxy, Kevin, Maisam. I notice that James’ shorts are so short he appears to be wearing nothing under his apron, but no one laughs. So no points. Dawn’s undecorated mask looks like the mythical tree face from Game of Thrones. For some reason James is using fragile brandy snaps for his mask, which we are told is the baking equivalent of using 1000-year-old parchment for your watercolor. Janusz has a “Have a Nice Day" Mug, but soon the music is signaling that something tense is about to happen, like someone dropping their mask. NO! It is Carole. She did not listen to Paul, who questioned her use of lard as something that could doom her mask stability. Also, why use a book stand that has wire backing for this project? That makes no sense, but I digress. MORE HELP POINTS though for Janusz, again coming to Rebs' aid. Everyone who has Janusz, you can thank those of us who have Rebs. Carole is clearly gutted by her mask fall. Maisam comes to comfort her, they both tear up and smile in one of the most adorable side hugs ever on the show, ending with Carole laughing/crying that Mommy is crying. We are laughing and crying on the couch too. Judging is here. I’m QUITE CONCERNED about my team, which is Rebs and Carole. And it turns out I should be. Carole gets “it’s a shame” for not listening to Paul about the lard. Though they love the taste. Rebs somehow has pulled off a decent mask and gets full DO OVER POINTS for a decent success, even if Paul disses her bake by calling it more “cookie-like than biscuit-like”. We have crispy cookies, here too Paul. Ever had, say, an Oreo without milk? We don't create weird cookie silos. Let’s not try to be divisive, British bakers. There are only cookies. Final Judging STAR BAKER: is Maxy!! What a great week she had, even better than Syabira last week. Runners up are Syabira and James, who may be a dark horse to go deep into the season. Three bakers are on the cusp of leaving: Maisam, Carole and Rebs. And yes, two of those are mine, so I’m ready for heartache. We hold our breath. It’s Maisam!! What an episode. In our League, my friend Alexis (Maxy and Kevin) is surging and threatening our current #1 player, Dan (Janusz and Syabira). Our winner from last season, holder of the Golden Butter, Nancy, is in third but lost a baker today - Maisam. Somehow Carole and Rebs have me in a solid fourth. Here are the standings by baker right now - it’s a good race. As above, I'm especially happy for those of us in leagues where one person has both Janusz and Syabira - now others have a chance!
We begin in space. “That is Star Wars!!”, my six-year-old son yells. That’s right, Max, and oh my baking companions, this season is off to an intergalactic start as the Bake Off scrolls into a galaxy several time zones away. Noel is at last fulfilling his destiny, as bagel-Princess Leia, something we feel he must have raised in his interview to join the show. Or put into his contract. Prue’s Chewbacca impression is solid. Matt holds his pie like someone funny who does not bake pie. And Paul is rolling in the dark side jokes. There’s a Billie Eilish reference and what more could we want? This season is on. The prop was a pie but it is CAKE WEEK everyone. NOTE: total scores are at the end. Season preview With the pacing of Hamilton, we are whirled into an opening sequence previewing the season. It is so long that I notice it is long. Summary: the season will be delightful. And there will be A LOT of points for laughter. Signature Bake Cake sandwiches. A few things we notice right away: Noel has a new, great haircut. And Matt is noticeably slimmer. (He told a podcaster that his father’s death at 52 inspired him to lose some weight.) The bakers came to play, with bold colors, patterns, accents and tattoos. One kilt. Dawn says she makes cakes “all the time” which bodes well for those, like my husband Jason, who have her on their team. Rebs scores first, though! 1 point for laughter as she indicates her friends disagreed about her coffee-flavored cakes. (It does send a shiver of fear through me, though about her flavor abilities.) (Though she wins personal points for having a troublesome dog named “Tiggy”.) Abdul dancing? Yes, we love it. And 1 point for laughter about how he kills his plants. Kevin is talking about all the instruments he plays and makes our family think he was the basis for this New Yorker comparison of UK v US cooking shows. Maxy needs an hour and only has an hour to bake her meringues !!? And Rebs’ cake seems to be burning. (Rebs, Max and I picked you first! Come through for me!) James is a nuclear scientist who likes to look like a … nuclear apocalypse zombie from the 80s. Which also looks like Indiana Jones in a swamp fight. Matt jokes with Dawn who was a project manager working indirectly for Boris Johnson, about Boris Johnson. And it’s all fine. Even globally divisive figures can bring people together in the tent! Points are flying like whipped cream in the final minute. Laughter +1: Sandro (the idea that Noel works out) Maisam (“pressure’s on”), Maxy (polite at Matt’s “semi-bilingual), Will (w/ Noel about creepy Paul), Janusz (to Prue about booze) James (about his kilt in a remark we had to play three times to understand), Dawn (Boris Johnson’s hair), Syabira (“blow the judge’s heads off”). I really wanted to give Kevin laughter points w/ Noel, but it was a grin. Did not hear laughter. Paul +2 hover points for: Rebs, Maxy (they are not in the same shot but her audio makes it clear he was just hovering), Will, Maisam. Man, we are nearing the end but Will’s Italian butter cream has split. TWICE. He’s starting over. Let me cut to the chase. It does not work out. First negative points of the season. -2 for a failed do-over. Maisam is struggling too but not starting over. Mainly, I am increasingly angry that my friend Chris picked Sandro RIGHT BEFORE I was about to do it. His roses look incredible. And he’s a boxer. I mean, of course. And a nanny? I hope that family also plays the lottery. Judging time! Lots more points. James +1 for laughing at his piping work. Plus +1 for laughing at Prue talking about the booze in Janusz cakes. Maxy +1 for l, laughing at “mess in the title” of her cakes Rebs +1 for nervous laughter at judging repeatedly. Flavor +1 points go to quite a few: Carole, Sandro, Maisam, Sandro, Abdul, Syabira Will +1 for laughing when Paul says his cake sandwich was disappointing but otherwise good. Janusz gets no points from us for this but clearly scores with Prue for his booze usage. His cakes also look incredible. Technical Red Velvet Cake Well, well. Hello USA! That’s right we can bake over here and that’s right we invented the red velvet cake, which is the challenge today. Prue seems to be seeing one for the first time. Or perhaps she is just numb from cold weather, as she and Paul have their coats on. The bakers are off and running for this two-hour challenge. I would prefer a three-hour window. And a cup of tea. We get a new British term! On the instructions sheet - circotherm. UK for convection. So scientific-sounding. Those precise Brits! Dawn gets +1 for laughing over how she baked decades ago. Maisam +1 for laughing at Matt’s joke about the Scottish guys having the same music teacher (and becoming bakers.) Will +1 for laugh at Noel coat joke. Kevin +1 for laughing in a friendly way as Abdul talks of melting icing. Rebs is struggling with underbaked cakes and I’m quite concerned. And Will, on my husband’s team, also is struggling. “He’s terrible,” Jason says shaking his head. I like Will’s attitude and try to buck up my man. Points! Technical winner: Syabira gets +3! She crushed it. Paul joked it was better than his. Delighted for her. And +1 for laughing with her happy tears. Man. This show. Flavor +1: James, Carole (!). But. Underbaked -2: Maxy, Rebs (Noooooo). Rebs also got a special dig: her cake was “claggy”. Which appears to be this season’s “stodgy” and clearly is bad though I have yet to quite understand what qualifies. At least it’s not on the point list, so I move on. Showstopper House of Cake The challenge is to make a house of cake and in our living room it is a house of worry. Jason and I both have bakers - Will and Rebs - staring straight at the exit. But Rebs told us she will make sure her showstopper is “flippin’ well-baked” and I believe her! You’ve got this Rebs. The bakers are ready to go. Will is in a hoodie and man, I guess it really is cold. During this segment, a few things pop to mind. Should I consider having any future grandchildren - wayyy down the road - call me “Nan”? How big was that stuffed bear next to Sandro? And how many pans is Janusz using? I come out of my distraction as Rebs is looking at her cakes. Phew, they look ok. Maisam’s jam looks amazing. Janusz gives a pro-tip in adding soy sauce instead of salt. I’m curious how this works out. +1 for nervous laughter by Syabira! She could be our fantasy winner this week. We will see. Also, what is that tool Sandro is using to soak his cake? Oh no. Rebs, you did NOT underbake your cakes, did you? You DID underbake them! Oh! She has a solution, pulled from the mind of any 13-year-old who cut into the middle of a birthday cake before the party and filled it with napkins to cover it up. Phew. And huh, “panicking is for losers,” she says. Does not feel like a British phrase. It’s a whirlwind, they finish and then, as the Bake Off does, the music slows to comforting and the counters become beautifully clean for judging. +1 flavor points: Rebs (yes!), James (though also “very claggy”. Huh. What. Is. Claggy?) Maisam. +1 laugh points: Carole, Maxy, Abdul, James. Kevin, Syabira (again, w/ Matt as they look at her tree shapes) Note: I considered an “something looks awkwardly like anatomy” category but decided against it. May reconsider next year. +2 “bake” points: Syabira (“cook is nice”), Dawn (“sponge is well-baked”), Janusz - 2 Overbaked: WHAT, Rebs? HOW?? And Will. As Jason hears this, I immediately think of all the times I’ve seen my husband watch his football team fail to win a playoff game. I keep the thought to myself. Whoa Syabira gets ANOTHER +1 for laughter when speaking of her baking “boo boo”. Adorable. +2 Paul creepy/hover points to Maxy for when Paul said “boo!” and made her jump when she walked back with her cake. Final judging It’s a good-mood tent as they announce the results. Janusz is star baker for +4. Soy sauce forever! Syabira and Sandro get +1 for runners up. Will is OUT. Jason has no words. Our cat, Rocky, also has no words and is curled up next to us asleep. The bakers gather for a rare full-group-circle chat. Will is a great sport about leaving. I knew he was a good guy. And Janusz is choking up over his win, getting a long hug with Sandro and sweet moment with Rebs. This group is already bonding!! Oh and Janusz sneaks in another +1 for laughter after saying he was “star caker in bake week”. And then crying with laughing after. This show. FANTASY POINTS Janusz won in the tent, but someone else was the DOMINANT fantasy game winner. SYABIRA CRUSHED THE FANTASY LEAGUE. This is the same woman who said with a huge smile at the top that she was going to “fake it until you make it”. Girl, you have made it. You are not faking it. I’m just very angry that my friend Dan has you on his team. And about that. Dan also has Janusz. SCORES
Note
The show ended with an on-screen tribute to Chloe Avery, a producer who died of cancer in August. As someone lucky to work with incredible producers, who don’t get the wider credit they deserve, I wanted to give that a mention and add a link to a story about her for those interested. Our sympathies to all who knew and loved her. We hope her family is comforted by how much her work has meant to many of us across the world. |